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Church can be a tough place...

If you know me even a little, you know church is a favorite place of mine. I grew up in a church. Literally. For three years in NYC, my dad pastored a Spanish-speaking church and we lived on the main floor of the church. 

My father is a retired minister and chaplain. My grandfather was a minister. Even have a few grandmothers who were ministers. I, too, was a chaplain for about 8 years. One might say church is in my blood.

Over the years, I've heard a lot of unkind things said about pastor's children. I even had one well-meaning youth leader pull me aside in junior high to remind me that I'm no better than anyone else and needed to remember that. Trust me, I do remember to this day.

I do know that some pastor's kids were given free reign and were allowed to do what they wanted and receive little to no reprimands. That didn't fly with my parents. It probably helped me that I didn't have much of a rebellious bone in my body growing up. I left that to my siblings. :) 

Where am I going with this? I need to slow down and reign in my thoughts before they get away from me! This post could head down a lot of trails!

Ah, but back to my point. I have had people tell me over the years that I don't understand what kind of pain their church put them through, that I couldn't understand the humiliation and that I couldn't imagine the things said to or about me. That is where they are wrong.

I have been asked to leave leadership. I have been called very terrible things by a church board. I have been accused of favoritism and not putting in my dues. I have had leadership go behind my back to higher leadership in efforts to have me removed. 

I've known deep pain caused at the hands of self-righteous people. I've been dealt many blows in the "Name of the Lord", pretty confident, though, that He wasn't addressed in their dealings with me and my family.

This photo above shows me as I reentered a church I had not stepped foot in for 20 years. I've told only some of what happened. Many were left with whatever was told to them or what they speculated. The long and short of it was the new leader had an issue with me after I confronted him on someone that he'd let go. In my opinion, I didn't think it was right and I sought him out to discuss it. I was told that it had nothing to do with me and dismissed. I was called back to his office about a week later and told that he didn't think it was working out for me to remain in leadership and that it would be best for everyone if I stepped out. I had been struggling with his leadership and wondered how much longer I could hold out in that environment, but loved the kids I ministered to so deeply, I was torn. I tried to get him to let me go to the retreat, but he said that this needed to happen now with a clean break. I got to tell my kids the next week and leave.

NO ONE messaged me after I left. NO ONE checked on me. I'd spent about 6 years of my life with that leadership team, ministering along side of them, but once I was out, I was left out completely. Devastated didn't begin to cover what I felt. I didn't even find it within myself to attend any church for a year after that, choosing to worship alone.

Fast forward to this year and Covid upended everything...even the church I had grown to love. I felt it necessary to leave that church for many reasons not necessary to bring up here and found myself at a loss. Again.

With my nephews attending Christian Life Schools, I decided since it was just online, I'd go "back" to the church where I'd been hurt deeply 20 years ago. Watching it on YouTube wasn't difficult and I enjoyed the messages. Then came Christmas Eve when I felt led to attend in person. It was as extremely difficult decision (outside of Covid-related reasons) and just opening the doors caused me to stop and breathe deeply. BUT...I went anyway.
 

Friends, the people in this church at the time, THEY hurt me. The building itself did not. And God by no means hurt me. If you're not attending church because of how people have treated you, I beg you to give it another chance. MOST people are not like the ones that hurt me at this church and at a past church. MOST love you regardless of position or background.  MOST are striving to show the love of Jesus, not the judgment of the Pharisees.

Please, please don't give up church for the actions of some. Your soul isn't worth playing with even if someone seemed to think that was okay. They will be held accountable for how they treated you. But now is the time to stop and rethink your role in Christ's kingdom. 


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