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Unemployed - Part Two

In my last post I mentioned this would be the "rest of the story". I realized a bit ago that this actually is just the middle of the story as God hasn't shown me the "rest" yet.

Again, I'm not going to go through and edit this. Again, I'm just being real, typos and all.

Where we left off, I'd left my job and now you understand why more fully. It was my mental health or working for her. I chose health.

A few weeks before I left, I'd heard a song by my current favorite band, Unspoken. If you know me well, you'll know that I latch onto one specific band or artist and stick with them on a constant loop of their songs until another band sneaks in. I've been listening to Unspoken on that loop for about six months now. Coincidence? Nah. I worked for her for five months. One month prior the Lord started infiltrating my head with life-giving music. He knew. 

One song, Sleep in the Storm, hit me hard a few weeks ago. It is the telling of the story in the Bible when the apostles where on the boat and a huge storm came. The apostles were flipping out while Jesus slept peacefully. They finally woke Him up and he rebukes the waves, then the disciples, then I feel like He probably went back to sleep. :) 

Sleep in the Storm

Let the thunder be my comfort
Let the lightning be my guide
Let the waves that rise around me
Hold me gently through the night
For the winds that seem against me
Push me right into Your arms
Teach me how to sleep, in the storm
How to sleep in the storm

I was learning even then that a storm was coming greater than I understood, but I needed to find a way to let Him guide me through. 

Then their song, Miracle, took on more meaning than just being a great song. One specific line kept replaying in my head: "You know it takes faith to step on the waves when you're terrified." Ouch. Was I willing to step out on the waves to Him? Miracle

At the end of August I had the opportunity to attend StoryFest through the ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers) in St. Louis. Books are my life and getting to spend time with authors and fellow readers like myself is always soul-filling.

There I talked to my dear friend, Charity, and told her I want to host my own reader's retreats with authors coming in like this. We talked about it a lot, even since coming home. It was through these conversations that the light began to dawn. Being an administrative assistant for someone who not only didn't value me as an employee but demeaned me on a daily basis was NOT what I wanted to do. I realized I need to work appropriately twenty more years before I can retire. I needed to take this next phase of my life and do what filled my soul.

What I did NOT know was that I was going to have to leave so quickly. My plan was to work there a few more months, maybe to the end of the year all the while looking for a new job that would use my love of books and people. How? No earthly idea.

So now here I am jobless with nothing to move into. And it is terrifying. I can't tell you how many nights I've gone to bed sobbing. I've talked to God constantly, prayed, tried to exhibit faith I didn't always feel I had. And it's exhausting. Part of that exhaustion is healing from the trauma I went through. (Yes, I 100% believe this to be a trauma. My father even told me that just talking through things with me it is evident I have some PTSD.) But the other part is exhaustion from thinking and worrying.

Yes. He tells me to trust. He tells me not to worry. He tells me He's got this.

And I tell Him I love Him, but the human side of me tries to take over. He understands me when even I don't.

So where does this leave me? I have financial backing until the end of October. After that, I have to have things in place. I'm surprised I haven't had a panic attack yet to be honest. That said, I don't want a job that is another placeholder. Oh, I've been offered a LOT of advice of who is hiring and where to put in an application or a resume. I appreciate those and suppose I should be more thrilled to have these. BUT, those aren't what I want to be "when I grow up."

What does my heart truly want? Let me dream a second:

    *I want to be able to travel - would love to have that as an option for a job. I would love to work with books. Maybe I would work remotely so I could take a job in another state. 

    *Wait, this is my dream, right? Then I'd love to get married and not have to work about a lucrative position to take care of my family with. He would support me. ;)

    *Wait, still my dream...that I could just write books for a living! :) (Now, this one is probably even more of a pipe dream than even getting married at this point because most authors barely make anything and have to continue to work. Add to that I haven't even published one book yet and don't even have an agent! But hush up, it's still a dream!)

Okay, friends. These dreams can't be found on Indeed or at your local job agency. And to be honest, I don't want any of those jobs. So where does that leave me? 

Waiting for a miracle while I search "just okay jobs" since I have to live and pay a mortgage and support a family. But it doesn't stop my dream.

I can use and do covet each and every prayer as I search while hanging onto a dream that is as attainable as me conquering Denali.

To sum up:

  • I have no idea what I'm waiting for.
  • I have seemingly unattainable dreams.
  • I'm literally walking on water here while trying to rest in the storm.
  • I'm tired of settling, but money only lasts for so long.
  • I need a husband or a rich benefactor. ;) :) :)
  • Oh, I forgot to mention that my car pooped out on me and I am now one loss away from a bad country song...or maybe a best seller and THAT is how I make money!!! (Okay, I'm ending this now! ;) )
There will be a Part Three once the Lord reveals my next steps.

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