I've never been more humiliated in my life. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up with tears in my eyes. When I left the appointment, I went to my happy place, Target, just because I couldn't go home just then. I needed time to let things filter through me.
What happened? A chest x-ray. More specifically, an x-ray tech happened.
I've had coughing fits for probably 10 years, but in the last 2 they have gotten progressively worse. I went to my primary several times. She addressed some allergy issues and thought that was all. Nope. She sent me to have a lung function test. I rated a 81% and "normal" is 80%-100% so I was told it wasn't a lung issue. So I was sent to an ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat) doctor.
Some of my frustration started before I met the x-ray tech. It started with the ENT doc. She did a test (way more uncomfortable than a Covid test, I might add) by sticking a tiny camera up my nose to check out my nasal cavities and my throat. Once that was done, she was sure I had some type of reflux, but...
You're probably wondering how any of that has led me to think the title of "Body-shaming" was anyway relevant to this story. See the "but..." up there??? Let's continue.
She proceeded to tell me that I likely have reflux, BUT since I'm so overweight, that my throat is possibly just closing because of "all that weight" around it. Ouch. She went on to say that with all that weight, I would need a sleep study test, because that could be part of the coughing at night. I told her that I was seeing a weight loss specialist in March (already scheduled) and she had the nerve to insinuate that she should probably take charge now and try to address things in the case that doesn't really work for me.
Let's stop a second to state the obvious. I'm overweight. Have been my whole adult life. Yes, it bothers me. No, I haven't found a way to lose the weight and keep it off. Yes, there are lots of ways and no, I haven't tried them all.
But let's get one thing straight: my weight is NOT who I am. It does not define me, only describes me. I am many things and weight doesn't have anything to do with any of those things. Sorry, I'll continue...
I broke down with the ENT right there. I explained that I'm sick and tired of a doctor seeing my weight and not helping me with the issue I presented with.
In the last year, I have had 4 doctors either choose NOT to treat me or take a wait and see approach due to my weight. I was sent to a rheumatologist for continuing arthritic pain and he refused to treat me. In his notes, he went on to say that I was obese, needed to think about bariatric surgery and that he suggested all of those things to me. Uh, nope. He only told me that he didn't think the arthritis was bad enough to treat yet. He said nothing about those other things I found it in his report. Another doctor told me, through the notes online again, that he said to me I needed to lose weight before anything really could be done. This ENT didn't want to treat me for the reflux she was sure I had until I got a sleep study because she was sure my weight was the problem. Another one, when I was explaining the constant pain I was in, told me she didn't think giving me any more meds would work, but sent me to the weight loss clinic. Then came the ENT.
Guys, it's be a long year! I get that I would benefit from weight loss. But it took many years to get to this point and it's going to take a while to get back. In the meantime, why is it so hard to have anyone treat my real symptoms? I willingly accepted the weight loss clinic in hopes it will help me get turned back around. But that won't happen overnight.
Okay, finally to the x-ray tech and the levels of body-shaming I have never experienced until last week.
It starts with being given a gown to put on that was no more than a size large. Remember that I'm NOT a large? So another lady brought me a second one to cover my back. It was so tight that I couldn't put my arms down to my side. When I mentioned it to the x-ray tech, she said she didn't know why they did that and that she'd go get me one that was larger. It was the SAME SIZE! She laughed and said, "I guess that doesn't help." Gee, thanks.
In order to do the x-ray, I had to take off the back gown, exposing more of me that I would have wanted. She laughed and said it was fine. (Easy for her to say.) First she tried to put the heavy weight they use to shield the rest of your body from the machine. It didn't fit around my waist. She tugged like it was a corset, but still, no dice. Finally she asked my age (45) and again if I was possibly pregnant. I said no and no I wasn't going to get pregnant. She said, "Well, if you're not gonna have kids, we'll just leave it off." (Strike 1!) She has me stand flush against a machine and asked me how large my chest was. She says, "D? E? F? DD? I respond with C. She tells me that there is NO WAY I'm only a C! (Seriously?!) She then tells me that your chest is just fatty tissue and she just needed to know how much "Juice" to put into the machine to get a good x-ray. (Strike 2!) Next she has me standing with my chin out and shoulders hunched. She comes back after the first one and says, "We'll have to do that picture again. Your CHINS (plural) were in the way! (Strike 3!) After dealing with my chins, she turns me to the side to get the side view. She took one and wasn't happy with how it turned out. She comes over to me and says, "The machine is this wide (holds her hand slightly apart), but that I am THIS big (widens much larger) so I don't actually fit in the screen! (Strike 1 of her 2nd out!)
Humiliation was not something I expected from the doctor's office today. All I went for was an answer to my coughing. I left with a healthy dose of self-loathing and anger, though. I was left with embarrassment and tears, too.
If at this point in my long dissertation, you are itching to get done and private message me a link to a supplement, an oil, and drink, a gym, an ANYthing, you have missed the point of my telling you this. This message it to remind people that no matter our size, we are people, too. Our feelings are not sandwiched in fat rolls so that things bounce off of us. Some choose to be overweight because they just don't care or just don't mind it. That is up to them. SOLELY up to them. Some of us got this way from lifestyle and circumstances that affected us that caused a dependence on feeding the hurt. But none of us need anyone else to point out the obvious. And for the love of all things, keep your weight loss miracles to yourself.
We especially don't need to have it pointed out in such manners like the doctors I've seen in the last year and the x-ray tech I dealt with on Friday. What we need is understanding and guidance and care and respect of our person.
I cannot imagine what that type of treatment would do to a teenager struggling with a weight problem or one with an eating disorder. Imagine the adult so down on herself after an awful break up and being treated like that. What about the young man who struggles talking to girls or has been shunned all his life because he was overweight? What if he was on the verge of suicide?
Body-shaming is dangerous. And it hurts to the very core of who we are.
In 2021, where just about every special rights group has had their say, can we work towards civility to each other? Can we work towards acknowledging every body type is NOT a cookie cutter? Can we stop putting up pictures of men and women that are "fit" and telling everyone that they are the goal?
Don't get me started on clothing choices for people that plus-sized. I mean, why do we have to be labeled that anyway? Why do we have to have special sections and specials stores? And, even in those special stores, why can't I find jeans that fit me?
If you're still with me here, thank you! It's people like you that I want to have surrounding me when things are tough and life is mean.
Lastly, we have to speak up to be heard. I didn't want to complain about the x-ray tech because it was embarrassing to relive all the shame again. But after falling asleep crying and waking up with tears still in my eyes, I knew I needed to. Not just for me, but for others struggling to speak up. We have to let the doctors know that we are people, first and foremost. I told my sister that unless it is a dire thing, I won't go back to the doctor for a while because at every turn this year, all I've been told is I'm fat. Thanks, guys, I knew that. But I was just here for my arm...my allergies...my cough.
Share this. Don't. Doesn't matter to me. What does matter is that you stop and think before you make fun of that person who is clearly struggling with their weight. Stop judging them when you see them indulge in a piece of cake. How do you know that they haven't LOST weight and they are taking a well-deserved cheat day? Stop seeing their size. Focus on the person. The heart that beats within them is begging for acceptance.
We must try harder.
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