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This is 45.




 Ah, birthdays.

This year's birthday has me equal parts appreciative, apprehensive and annoyed.

I truly am appreciative for all that the Lord has given me, including the countless friends that have reached out to me all day long to wish me a great day. I'm appreciative of family, including a sister fighting her own pain today working to make my birthday dinner just right. I'm appreciative of loving uncles far away who called me to razz me about my age and wish me well. I have a LOT to appreciate, no doubt.

I'm apprehensive because age brings new issues, like my brother and I discussing birthdays (his was yesterday) and then veering off course to talk about our carpel tunnel and how he's going to the doc today and I'm getting injections in my hands tomorrow. I'm apprehensive that I don't have a church home currently. I'm apprehensive that Covid is still here. I'm apprehensive because it's a bit of how I live, who I am.

I'm annoyed with the fact that as of today, I will have to check the stupid age box that says 45-whatever and NOT get to check 36-44! Yes, this has been bothering me for weeks! I even upset my friend who has a birthday a few days after mine and is my age, too, since she hadn't realized that yet.

And I'm annoyed because I'm not who I planned to be. (Woah. Don't start a hurried text or message to me telling me what I already know. Just keep reading.)

I looked up my graduation book to see what I had planned for my life 5 years after graduation, then 10 years. Yeah, they looked nothing like what I've lived. What did a 17 year old with no life experience think she knew? A LOT! She was pretty sure of herself and what God wanted for her.

Turns out, it appears that was what SHE wanted for herself. Not God. He had other ideas. Lots of other ideas.

I had NO idea I'd get to own a party store for 7 years, nor did I know that 9/11 would ultimately be what caused me to close. I had NO idea that I end up living at my parents home until my early 30's because of the spectacular failure the store ended up being. I had NO idea I'd get to be so close to my nephews and have them under my roof. I had NO idea I'd church hop as much as I have, thinking I would actually be a minister at a church in some way. I had NO idea I would get to write 9 plays and direct them at two different churches. I had NO idea I'd gain, not lose weight. (Gotta keep things honest and true.) 

And, here's the one that hurts a little more each year - I had NO idea that God wouldn't see fit to have me go on a date with anyone let alone never be married by this point. And no need to tell me: "It'll happen," "They don't know what they're missing," "You're not missing much anyway," "My aunt/cousin/great aunt Betty got married well into their **insert age**," "In God's timing," "Maybe you weren't meant to get married," and one of my favorites, "But you're so pretty!" Trust me, I've heard it all.

I'm not angry my life isn't what I thought it would be. Some days it can be lonely. Some days it definitely is frustrating. And today, I am solidly dealing with the 3 A's.

But, just as He does every single time I'm struggling or just down, God spoke to me. This time He used Psalm 77. I was just going to pick and choose what I shared from that passage, but it's all too good. Read it and see what might be meant for you. For me, I needed to see that my lamenting things is normal. And it's okay. It doesn't make a heathen or untrusting. It makes me HUMAN.

Second, I needed to see verses 11 and 12. I needed to remember all the good. Appreciate all the great! Look back at not what I haven't accomplished, what I don't have, but what I have accomplished and all that I have surrounding me.

And I definitely needed to see verse 19 and specifically the part where it says, "though Your footprints were not seen."

Ahh. I haven't always (or often) been able to see His footprints physically, but He sure shows up in my life. And He doesn't need the praise. He doesn't do things in my life because He needs me to bow down to Him. He does it because He loves me unconditionally. But as with anyone in our life, if we don't stop to appreciate them, then we fall further away from them relationally.

I needed the gentle birthday reminder today that though it's normal to be apprehensive and annoyed, that I needed to focus on the appreciation. Love when He talks to me.

Love that He brought me to 45.



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