46 and never been kissed

Yep. You read that right.

I'm 46 years old today and I've never had a romantic kiss. (And if you're really thinking about that, no, I have never had a boyfriend either.)

Why am I sharing that? 

A sweet friend turned 43 last month and she and her friend turning the same age quipped that they were "43 and up a tree!" I laughed and told her that I would be worried what they would say about me turning 46! She decided "46 just for kicks". I told her that would be okay if I thought I could get my legs up to kick these days! :)

But as I've thought about things a lot more this past month as I usually do leading up to my birthday, this theme is what continued to play out in my mind. I honestly find myself depressed around my birthday because I end up thinking about what I've not accomplished and the fact that I'm STILL single after another rotation around the sun. Seriously...after rotating around the sun 28 since turning the age to vote, I thought I'd have turned a head or two by now! ;) Yet, I remain as single as the nuns that taught me in school in kindergarten.

Something shifted in me a few weeks ago, though. Approaching this birthday, I've not experienced the depression or sadness that normally looms. I've always told myself that "Lord willing, I'll be married" and that I'd continue to pray and wait for a husband unless He took the desire from my heart away. Trouble is, as much as I told myself that, I had a hard time believing and trusting that it would be so. 

It's hard to wait. 

Really hard.

Another thing that is difficult is the daydreamer/writer in me. That part of me gets caught up in what could be a lot. That part of me dreams so much that sometimes my mind takes off when I see a couple together at dinner or a family driving down the road or even an elderly couple walking hand in hand. Oh, that other Vickie can be incorrigible! She begins to see scenarios that she's hoped for her that still have not happened and the she leaves the real-life Vickie sad. I hate when she does that!

So her and I wrestled recently. I told her that she had to stop that. I told her that she couldn't keep creating "what if" scenarios. I told her that she could write and pour out whatever romantic notions she has on paper, but she could not take more residence in my head. I had to banish the poor girl.

Before you think I've lost my mind completely, give me just another few minutes! I have a point!

Friends, there is little I desire more than to be married, but God hasn't not gifted me that opportunity yet. But in these last few weeks when I quieted daydreamer Vickie a bit, I soaked in what I DO have. And I have a lot. I have a loving family. I have dear friends. I have had a steady job for going on 16 years. I have the love and ability of creativity. I have a beautiful home. And I have my salvation.

This year, my hope is to focus on what the Lord has provided, not on what remains beyond my grasp. I'll let the daydreamer in me out, but she'll be on a bit of leash until she proves she can behave. ;) It's easy to let ourselves get lost in what we don't have and what we wish for and to lose the joy of what sits squarely in front of you day in and day out. 

So, why am I sharing this rather personal detail with you? To let you know that this 46 year old doesn't have it all together...that she struggles with insecurities just as much as the next person...that as important as it is to dream, it's most important to trust that God provides what is best...that I'm okay, but I don't need a husband to complete me as I'm already whole in the Lord. And, to remind anyone that might be struggling with putting their trust in the Lord that it takes more than lip service. It takes continual reminders to yourself that YOU are not in charge. That HE has your best interest at heart. And that HE never makes a mistake.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find myself some birthday cake!