Skip to main content

46 and never been kissed


Yep. You read that right.

I'm 46 years old today and I've never had a romantic kiss. (And if you're really thinking about that, no, I have never had a boyfriend either.)

Why am I sharing that? 

A sweet friend turned 43 last month and she and her friend turning the same age quipped that they were "43 and up a tree!" I laughed and told her that I would be worried what they would say about me turning 46! She decided "46 just for kicks". I told her that would be okay if I thought I could get my legs up to kick these days! :)

But as I've thought about things a lot more this past month as I usually do leading up to my birthday, this theme is what continued to play out in my mind. I honestly find myself depressed around my birthday because I end up thinking about what I've not accomplished and the fact that I'm STILL single after another rotation around the sun. Seriously...after rotating around the sun 28 since turning the age to vote, I thought I'd have turned a head or two by now! ;) Yet, I remain as single as the nuns that taught me in school in kindergarten.

Something shifted in me a few weeks ago, though. Approaching this birthday, I've not experienced the depression or sadness that normally looms. I've always told myself that "Lord willing, I'll be married" and that I'd continue to pray and wait for a husband unless He took the desire from my heart away. Trouble is, as much as I told myself that, I had a hard time believing and trusting that it would be so. 

It's hard to wait. 

Really hard.

Another thing that is difficult is the daydreamer/writer in me. That part of me gets caught up in what could be a lot. That part of me dreams so much that sometimes my mind takes off when I see a couple together at dinner or a family driving down the road or even an elderly couple walking hand in hand. Oh, that other Vickie can be incorrigible! She begins to see scenarios that she's hoped for her that still have not happened and the she leaves the real-life Vickie sad. I hate when she does that!

So her and I wrestled recently. I told her that she had to stop that. I told her that she couldn't keep creating "what if" scenarios. I told her that she could write and pour out whatever romantic notions she has on paper, but she could not take more residence in my head. I had to banish the poor girl.

Before you think I've lost my mind completely, give me just another few minutes! I have a point!

Friends, there is little I desire more than to be married, but God hasn't not gifted me that opportunity yet. But in these last few weeks when I quieted daydreamer Vickie a bit, I soaked in what I DO have. And I have a lot. I have a loving family. I have dear friends. I have had a steady job for going on 16 years. I have the love and ability of creativity. I have a beautiful home. And I have my salvation.

This year, my hope is to focus on what the Lord has provided, not on what remains beyond my grasp. I'll let the daydreamer in me out, but she'll be on a bit of leash until she proves she can behave. ;) It's easy to let ourselves get lost in what we don't have and what we wish for and to lose the joy of what sits squarely in front of you day in and day out. 

So, why am I sharing this rather personal detail with you? To let you know that this 46 year old doesn't have it all together...that she struggles with insecurities just as much as the next person...that as important as it is to dream, it's most important to trust that God provides what is best...that I'm okay, but I don't need a husband to complete me as I'm already whole in the Lord. And, to remind anyone that might be struggling with putting their trust in the Lord that it takes more than lip service. It takes continual reminders to yourself that YOU are not in charge. That HE has your best interest at heart. And that HE never makes a mistake.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find myself some birthday cake! 


Comments

  1. GpeekSeptember 23, 2021 at 12:18 PM

    Happy Birthday my beautiful friend! I love you and I love what you shared! God's ways are higher than our ways and it’s difficult to understand and to wait...but His plan is perfect. This is something I am trying to grasp right now as well. Blessings to you and enjoy that cake!!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Unemployed - Part Two

In my last post I mentioned this would be the "rest of the story". I realized a bit ago that this actually is just the middle of the story as God hasn't shown me the "rest" yet. Again, I'm not going to go through and edit this. Again, I'm just being real, typos and all. Where we left off, I'd left my job and now you understand why more fully. It was my mental health or working for her. I chose health. A few weeks before I left, I'd heard a song by my current favorite band, Unspoken. If you know me well, you'll know that I latch onto one specific band or artist and stick with them on a constant loop of their songs until another band sneaks in. I've been listening to Unspoken on that loop for about six months now. Coincidence? Nah. I worked for her for five months. One month prior the Lord started infiltrating my head with life-giving music. He knew.  One song, Sleep in the Storm, hit me hard a few weeks ago. It is the telling of the story ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Dumb Sheep?

My dad shared this video with me recently and I feel in love with it all over again.  It is one I've seen before, but watching it again was beautiful. In my bible study group recently, we discussed how it is impossible to trust someone that you don't know.  Most people (though we all know that one person that would) don't immediately tell someone everything about their life upon your first meeting.  You probably don't tell that person a lot even in the next few meetings.  You get to know the person.  You learn about them, what they like to do, their family, dislikes, friends, etc.  We spend time getting to know them. Back to the sheep and their shepherd---watching this video was amazing.  These sheep knew better than to answer to anyone else, but their shepherd.  They knew his voice.  They knew his ways.  And they trusted him.  The second he started calling to them, their heads lifted.  HE was their guide.  They hav...
Post a Comment
Read more

Timing is everything, right?

That's what the old adage says, right?  Timing is everything? I guess it depends on what we're talking about.  Timing meant a lot to thousands of people on 9/11.  Timing means a lot to athletes.  Timing means a lot when words are spoken. So what about the Lord's timing?  I saw a quote today that read:  His timing is rarely ours, but it's always perfect. (Amy Carroll, author) Hmm...in my deepest places in my heart, I believe that.  But, at the surface, sometimes I question.  Yeah, I'm REALLY human! :) The devotional I've been doing is one for writers and has been really encouraging, enlightening and interesting.  I was encouraged to write a timeline of my life events to see if I could piece together where it was the Lord is guiding my life...how He is using me in ministry.  (We are ALL ministers that love and follow Christ, by the way.)  So, let's look at my timeline for a sec: *began working in the youth group at First Ass...
Post a Comment
Read more